Thursday, January 6, 2011

being honest

I know it's real because I can feel it.

It's painful. It's heavy. It drowns out the sunlight.

I recognize when it's happening.

Engraved deep in my mind are feelings of unworthiness. I don't believe that that I am good at anything or worthy of much- including love, friendship or success. I'm the outcast, the stupid girl who didn't finish college, who is too bogged down with fears and insecurities to ever amount to anything.

Most days I can fight those feelings, but on days like today- I can't. I can't fight them.

So, I get quiet. I isolate myself. I get angry. I get sad. I get sleepy. I cry.

I allow myself to sit with the pain and loneliness, hoping that tomorrow it gets better. It almost always gets better.

5 comments:

Trish said...

Kell...you are worthy! Jesus makes it so. You are certainly loved. You are the miracle for which I prayed!!!
You are brilliant and no amount of college can take the place of God's gifting in us.
So, rise girl...lift up your head and shout with the voice of trimphant!
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Addie said...

Hugs to you Kell! You are worthy! College, smollege, I never went either! Chin up and remember it is what you make of it! Hope the rest of your day is better!

Margie said...

You may think you can't fight those feelings, but sister, I'm standing in the gap fighting for you!! by the Blood of Jesus!

Facebook me if you want to take a crisp walk tonight!

Sara said...

Knowing where you are right now, and knowing that it still feels like no one else has ever been there...I will pray and love you. Depression is real (oh is it ever) but it is also a lie. Love love love you. Plus, who else is as equally grossed out by as many things as me except for you?

Lynette said...

You are the apple of His eye. Your name is carved in the palm of His hand. You are loved so much.